???

Not wanting to sound dramatic, as those of you who have followed my
painfully styled posts know I have a wont to do, I just want to let you
know that for the past few days I have become increasingly overwhelmed by
so many new thoughts and connections resulting from Malgosia's experience,
rising from my thinking through why her experience was only half. That is,
she moved one element, that of physical action, to the Center, but her self
remained in place.

I do have it all thought through, the reason isn't complicated, in fact
rather simple, and I have three or four drafts for various posts explaining
this. But for some reason I can't seem to finish these drafts. This one
here is only another draft to add to the probably 50 k of attempts to
speak, and I don't know if it will be just another to add to this pile or
if it will go out.



When I sent the post containing the actual instruction, that too was
similar in feeling to me as these I'm experiencing now. The metaphor of
birth I used somewhere as the feeling  about this delivery into the world
of something I had been laboring over to deliver for three years was not
said in passing but was the real feeling I had, and the post-parturition
blues I had were real- and then, in this state, the silence following it

but then the silence ended, the baby revived and began breathing a little,
and now it appears it has a real chance to become a strong and healthy
child in the world - and the blues from this experience are over, but now
strangely replaced by another odd phenomenon, an exhaustion mixed with
wonder at what is portended in

Additionally confusing - I'm not sure whether to reccommend others take the
steps to have this experience of m's and move halfway there, or if it would
be better to have the full experience at one enormously exalting

Another is that I've also become increasingly aware of the radical
difference between the inner voice that lives in and knowingly speaks
inwardly to itself of its inner dasein, the inner world of intimate
perception and immediate graspings of all it has acquired as experience
through its travels through what is able to be thought, experiences gained
from those others who have traveled at the frontiers before, and who knew
how to communicate the essentials of their inner visions of these frontiers
to the outside in signs and signals that had a ring worth listening to

This inner vision is almost entirely of itself visual, and maybe it is even
entirely this and language, the communication of what these frontiersmen
see, is first of all their own inner imposition of symbols on this visual,
what would be called 'thinking' it, a putting into thought, an inward
process of literalizing, or rendering to the literal, of this already
present vision, and then to take what they can of this thinking, its
surface, something that others would have some chance of seeing from some
mix of these inner symbols as they are presented outside on the surface of
writing or speech,

signs of what they had seen from the mix of these new experiences as they
were added to their own inner experience

these would then be posted as signs to others, as out telling toward 'the
other' of a different way to look at the path rising us commonly higher -
and if the other followed these signs a way, because they had a ring or
something else that made it seem worth the effort, and discovered instead
an obstacle that the other had misinterpreted in his vision, but saw also
perhaps a way around this block, or else realized it as impassable, not
real enough or even chimeric

But all this is me sitting here in a state I don't quite know yet the right
step to start the moving out of. In a way, if this post is sent, it will be
that step,

and if it is, here is the direction it will go:

As I see it now, there are only a few more posts necessary to bring this
thread to a closure.

I can't decide however whether to recommend you take the journey to the
halfway point as Malgosia has

there is much wonder there too as she can attest and she can be your guide
to it, so at least that part is over for me. What was a major disclosure to
me from her experience was I didn't know it could be split, I had thought
the XSelf experience was all of a piece - and yes, I now see exactly why
hers was not.

To quantify the unquantifiable here, the critical mass for the whole
experience lies in those inept posts that Malgosia, understandably, found
too painful to read. But then even those of you who did read them still had
no experience at all, except an intuition by Andrew that something may be
here, and of course and importantly, Guillermo, who had an independent
variant experience that caused resonance in him toward the one I've tried
to describe, as the XSelf.

So the crux to everything, now I see, is simply in clarifying in a macro
way exactly what it was I was attempting to communicate so ineptly in the
four months since I came here to these lists, and it is this: What was the
weltanschuung that allowed this event to signify itself

whether those background prior events which constituted my weltanschuung
were true/false, right/wrong, correct/incorrect is immaterial. It was the
exactly this weltanschuung which allowed the Xexperience to signify as an
event - and as I've said, the event of the experience is independent in
itself from its cause, as I'm quite sure M can attest.

and the primary (although critically important here to say - not all)
constitution of this weltanschuung which is germane to the experience is
constructed of my view of how language is constituted. So I need to be
clearest about this, and I can be clear, very clear - because I don't have
to suffer proving whether this view is right or wrong, but only what it
was. - - It makes no difference.  If it is wrong, in whole or in part, then
a fruitful error.

But also in the last few days, a critical non language componenent of my WV
(can't keep typing weltanschauung so wv is world view) came up to the
surface. I attempted in one of the half finished posts mentioned above to
communicate this -

and on pause, impulse - right here - in order to end this one and to take
that step, I'm going to post this, here now, as is, unfinished and dangly,
and begin the final movement to the end by, in an hour or so in order to
give you a chance to read this one first, to send that also unfinished post
- only with this, important for me to say, caveat:

There are two elements that were in the background soup of my mind (my wv)
that during the three years of attempts at communicating the X I hadn't
even thought of. In the past few days I now see them as extremely important
precursors. One is language related, one is not. The one I'm sending next
is the one that is not. But- I'm _painfully_ aware of the jarring tones of
my syntax and flow and all the weaknesses of my style of expression etc.
The post which I'm referring to is not even good imitation of Faulkner's
ape or even of Dos Passo's lousy style (Sartre really confused me there),
it was done as a bit of stream of consciousness as this one is here,
without taking the time to go back through and clear the debris - so
dammit, even though it could have been said in different or fewer words,
try not to let the style cloud its point for you.

Somewhat exhausted but very hopeful,
Kenneth







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